The Idiots Guide To Getting Laid: Bad Sex Advice

Dear Kennedy,

I have been out on two dates with the same guy. He is very cute but I am not sure if I am ready to seal the deal with him. I normally give up the nookie on the third date. Does this make me prude? Can you explain what the different “bases” are for guys when dating, i.e. first base, second base, etc.?

-Sincerely, Cold Fishing in Venice

Dear Cold Fishing,

To answer your question simply, yes you are prude. If my “date” doesn’t give it up the first night there is no second date. As far as the bases go, for most men and me straight missionary sex is first base. Second base has some more imaginative positions and maybe some “all access” privileges (if you know what I mean). Third base consists of auto-erotic asphyxiation and maybe some run-of-the-mill farm animals (or at least the family pet). Last but not least, the home run, or the grand slam, is scoring your date and her grandma in the same house, but preferably in the same bed. Good luck and say hello to your grandma for me.

-Love, Kennedy

email your questions to heteropriest@gmail.com

Bestival and the afterlife

i went to bestival last two weekends ago and performed. you can see the footage at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q-45f3QBh_I

after doing loads of controlled substances i went to the hospital tent to get some q-tips for my ears.
the nurse said "you have no pulse, no blood pressure, and your not breathing."
"i feel really great!"
"yeah, you look sexy, but techinacally you're dead." she said.

WOW! what a great festival. even the trivialities of modern medicine and physics don't apply in the K hole.

sept 20th, Metro, London

I performed last night at the Metro in London. the gig went well and we all had a blast. I have a new London based band featuring the ex-members of steely dan! i shit you not. However, one beer led to another and after hours of uncontrollable dancing i lost my cell phone. if you find it please call me and give it back.